A Wonderful Thing Happened

A wonderful thing happened this week. Out of the blue. I made contact with an old friend with whom I’ve been having a sort of brief—started on Facebook—conversation (I’m sure you’ve had your own) and he made an offer to me that could have huge implications for my professional life. He just offered. I did not ask.

The circumstances are these: I had just reminded him of a project we worked on together in college, a fun thing. I had a picture of part of it and sent it to him, and he immediately responded. He is now quite successful in his field, highly regarded and justifiably so. His work is tremendous. You’ve probably seen it.

And now here I am two days later and I’m more anxious than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m sullen and depressed and quiet. Each time I drive with my wife I say nothing or want to. I’m wondering what’s going on. Well, I know actually. I’m scared.

And more. I’m poised for my life to change. It may not. I always have to keep that as a possibility. But it may. And I’m scared that it won’t. I’m scared that it will. And I’m scared that I don’t know what will happen. This I guess is the amalgam of major life change, whatever it may be.

But what I’m scared about the most is this: I have to perform and I have to be who I am. In this upcoming interview I have to believe in myself. Do you understand this dynamic?  I have to make myself believe in myself which is what I ought to do already. In other words, I’m going through a process that by going through negates the end of it. I cannot be completely confident because I’m telling myself I should be completely confident.  I am trying not to be alienated from my own confidence.

I am a piece of work. Whatever forces cobbled me together they are now fully in front of my face and I have to deal with them. I have to master them. I have to master me. Me. Finally. Me. What I am is now who I am. It is my role now to be in charge of my life, and to be my life. I can’t be afraid, or at least if I am, I can’t let the fear control me. Ever.  Not anymore. Now is who I am. And forever from now will be and always be who I am.

“How many of you people really know you’re alive?”

You know that famous Jim Morrison phrase? Well, I can tell you this. I’ve ALWAYS known I was alive.  I was encouraged by great parents, loving people, truly loving people. I have wonderful resources and great friends. I am talented and not only talented but hard-working, dedicated and smart. I have pushed myself again and again, made myself uncomfortable so I could grow in new ways. I have never settled. It is not in me. It is not the legacy of my family nor is it the legacy I will leave for my children. I will drive on forever and ever to achieve what I know is achievable.

Sounds good. Now let me repeat it until I believe it.

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