I can see the future approaching. I can see myself every day and I’m downright hurt, in pain, suffering. I feel it all closing in. I feel myself screaming down to a point on the head of a pin.

I see my life today as years of lying. Not evil lies but evasive ones. Lies that directed away scrutiny, lies that made me feel better, lies that became lies to myself. Perhaps they started that way.

I always told myself that if I told myself the truth I’d kill myself, that I couldn’t live a moment after admitting just how awful I felt all the time. Also, I could never let myself feel that bad because my parents would suffer for it.

Rage grew in me, so much rage. It was all bottled and repressed. What could I do?

But all of that is in the past. And I want to be free of it all.

I need a plan. I need to integrate all the disparate parts of me that seem to pull me apart. I know they can be brought together. It must be possible.

I can imagine how it must happen, ploddingly. I need to develop minor strategies as part of an overall vague one to start with. I need to figure out what I need to do to begin to get what I need. This is possible.

As always with me the hardest part is just surfacing. I don’t like people to know my business. I had parents that I didn’t trust to be able to take care of me. I worried about them too much. It wasn’t love. I did love them. But they gave me fear.

So I have to deal with that.