Back on the Borderline

Long ago I was diagnosed with something close to Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but it scared me and I denied it. I also denied that I needed drugs back then which I’m glad of now since what the prescribed back then would have been Lithium. In fact, I’ll be honest with you… My problems back then were pretty much dealt with in a somewhat unfair way by therapists and friends alike. I was given a lot more “harshness” in my diagnosis by both of these groups. But I see that Borderline Personality Disorder carries with it this sort of thing. Therapists generally don’t like treating us (if I’m indeed and “us” here) because of our extreme neediness, our suicidal talk, etc. I get that. And I got it from people whom I cared for, but whom I treated poorly (I’m assuming.. I didn’t see it at the time). The point is I’m not sure how much differently I might’ve acted than they did if the person with the disorder was one of my friends and they were acting that way towards me. I THINK I would have acted differently than to (in one case) think of someone’s (my) behavior as a physical threat (which, believe me, it was not), but I have to be fair. I do get that people get sick of neediness and want to react to it.

When your own neediness is the defining state of your life you begin to see the world in terms of levels of annoyance. I supposed it’s sort of a passive-aggressive thing as well. You say to someone: “I’m sorry my needy behavior annoys you,” and you’re also sort of saying: “You’re pretty shallow and non-compassionate, aren’t you?”

But a Disorder is a Disorder and you have to cope with it somehow. You have to find mechanisms to deal, to understand yourself and move forward. I’m afraid it’s difficult for me because I am needy and to act in a fashion to correct that means fulfilling my own needs which being needy works against. And yet, funny thing, I’m a huge proponent of self-reliance. I think perhaps that is true because I feel so unable to be self-reliant, I almost deify the concept; again a Borderline trait.

I’m afraid. I’ve long been afraid. I’ve long fantasized of being able to go back to my home town and hole up in a house  in my old neighborhood (never my old house for some reason) and just be by myself; forever. I guess because the influence of the world causes me such stress. And I guess that has to do with not having mechanisms to deal with that.

I do have some actually. I’ve begun to realize in fact that some of my creative outlets were actually methods of dealing with stress. So I’m doing more of that.

But I need therapy again. I know it. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid because taking that step immerses me once again in the real world of stress and doctors and me having to talk to them and wanting to act in my needy fashion with my stress and my anger and fear of that stress. I have to deal with it front and center and I don’t want to. The reality of my reality is daunting. Very, very, very, very, very daunting.

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