Some days when I don’t take my meds I get nuts. Well, I FEEL nuts. I have been taking medication regularly for over ten years. I started taking it for a physical condition that I later found had nothing to do with anything the drug could fix. I kept on taking it though.

Now (and I’m not blaming the drug for this) when I don’t take the drug I feel bursts of rage. These sorts of extreme feelings are things I’ve actually had most of my life, really since I was a kid. It’s an anger that now manifests in visions of doing horrible things to people. Now, I’ve never ever, EVER done such things, but…

Well, actually I have…

Thirty-six years ago the rage flashed in me in a way it never had before and I did something that was really bad, more truthfully ALMOST  really bad. I remember when I was acting in this awful way, doing this awful thing that it felt oddly pleasurable. I felt outside of myself watching this person do this thing, watching this horribly unhappy, lost and frustrated person get even with all the things that were making him powerless by doing to another person what he felt had been done to him. It was a terrible, horrible moment which I ultimately pulled back from.

I can’t say at that point I changed my life. But I think at that point I realized I was lost, and that allowed me to eventually begin to change, which amounted to doing whatever I could to be safe, to be alone and away from the things that angered me.

And I still do that.